Our desire for fulfillment, our discontent with reality, and the subjection to the seeking mechanism---which is absolute frustration---drives us to improve. And yet we never seem to see what our mind has envisioned. Some would say they do see it(fulfilled), but even that is inarguably temporal. And what is real, is not temporal.
My greatest struggle isn't what could be, but living what is. Real life is right now. It's the deficits, the wounds, the injustices, the overwhelming losses of lovers and friends, and the apparent horrible choices, which piles the bullshit on top of me. There are days it smells to the high heavens.
Real life is always now , even though we wish it could be something different. My next natural inclination is to then improve myself. But this is the mind, not the Spirit.
"He makes me lie down."
Some will never get this. They'll just keep driving themselves into the dust. Serpents feed on such thinking.
What is the plan, God? You seem to be insinuating that now is the plan.
"I awoke today. Suddenly nothing happened. But in my dreams, I slew the dragon. "
The dragon is the ego and it's mind and consciousness, but it's done. The dragon is the thinking that insists it get done, but the reality is that I'll never get it done and it's baked into the cake.
One generation from my mom, I have decided there is no ship coming in and I've bowed my head and learned to let the waves crash down on me. It's just the way it is and the soul has to learn to sit in whatever breaks on it.
"I awoke today. Suddenly nothing happened. But in my dreams, I slew the dragon. Walking in my old footsteps once again And you say "just be here now, forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin. Let me throw one more dice, I know that I can win."
When we awake, we'll stop circling in our old footsteps, stop rolling the dice, realize this is all a drama, we're all the cast of characters---masks included. And what is beneath the mask is beyond our wildest dreams.
"Don't you understand, I already have a plan?" I don't think I do, God. I had my own plans. You said "No, Dennis" to them. It was devastating to feel God tell me "No", but worse to have to start over with next to nothing but the clothes on my back.
I guess we'll see what God's plans are. I'm learning to live in the now. I hope the plan is all in all. That would be quite a plan to wake up to.